The Not-So-Puzzling Puzzle of the Missing Dwarf
by Mindy35
Summary: Full Title: The Not-So-Puzzling Puzzle of the Missing Dwarf (Or What Happens When You Combine Alcohol, Medication and Aphrodisiacs). Prompted by Jack's comment about witnessing Liz eat oysters with a cold. (And Tina's about Jack and Liz making out when drunk.)


**Full Title: The Not-So-Puzzling Puzzle of the Missing Dwarf (Or What Happens When You Combine Alcohol, Medication and Aphrodisiacs)**

Author: mindy35

Rating: M, some sexy stuff, alcohol and drug use

Disclaimer: Not mine, no moolah made, pinky swear.

Pairing: Jack/Liz only

Spoilers: Nothing important

Summary: Pre-ep. Prompted by Jack's comment about witnessing Liz eat oysters with a cold. (And Tina's about Jack and Liz making out when drunk.)

* * *

Slumped against the car door, Liz had been blabbering blithely and continuously: "I'm sleepy and horny, horny and sleepy, sleepy and horny, horny and sleepy…" for the last six blocks.

"And also a little drunk," Jack mused, casting her an amused glance from his corner of the car.

"Dude," she slurred, her head lolling towards him, "what was _in_ those cold meds you gave me? Were they Spaceman-y ones? Coz I feel weird, I feel…I dunno…" She squinted into the near distance for a moment, apparently searching for the exact word.

"Sleepy?" he prompted eventually.

"No. _Horny_," she muttered, gesturing in large, befuddled circles at her own body, "They made me feel all _horny_ and I _never_ feel horny. _Ne-vah_."

"Actually," Jack said, running an eye over her limp form, "I think it's far more likely that that is the effect of the two dozen oysters you downed kicking in."

Liz considered this a moment. Then shook her head. "Nuh, that doesn't sound right."

"Oysters are an aphrodisiac, Lemon, it's a well-known fact."

"You're a well-known fact!" was her belligerent reply.

His brows rose. "I beg your pardon?"

But her mood had swiftly shifted, her addled mind moving on. She flopped towards him on the seat, a quizzical expression on her face as she asked, her words slow and overly serious, "Hey. Jack. You're smart. So tell me this, okay? How come…there's no horny dwarf?"

Jack tipped his head, lips curving upwards. "Excuse me?"

Liz went on, tempo picking up. "I mean, think about it. Right? With the Seven Dwarves–…that's a hard word to say._ Dwaaarrrrvesesss…_" She worked her mouth around the word a few more times before shaking her head and pressing on. "There's a Sleepy Dwarf," she pointed out.

"There is," Jack replied.

"And there's…you know," she began to count them off on her fingers, "a Bashful one. A Grumpy one. A Doc. And…Rudolph. Donner and Blitzen. Then there's…Richie and Potsie and Ralph and wait-" she glanced down at her hands, brows knit, "s'that right, s'that too many…?"

Jack shifted a little closer on the seat. "Your point being, Lemon?"

She looked up, stabbed his arm with one finger. "Why is there no Horny Dwarf? Huh? _Why_?"

"I'd say it was a good call on Walt Disney's part," he said, directing his gaze forward.

"I dunno, buddy ole pal." Liz shook her head, dropping back in her seat. "I think there's a conspiracy afoot."

"No, there isn't."

"I find it veeeeery suspicious."

"No, you don't."

"I'm gonna look into it."

"No, you're not."

There was a moment of silence. Rain began to patter the windows. Their car crept forward through the chaotic traffic.

Liz let out a long sigh, her head falling back against the seat. "Hey. Jack…?"

Jack looked over at her. "Yes?"

She turned her head and gazed at him a moment, her eyes glassy, her mouth hanging half open. "Nothing," she muttered finally. "I'm just…"

"Horny?" he asked, a small smile on his face.

"And sleepy," she added, then screwed up her nose. "But I hate that word."

"What? Horny?"

"No, sleepy. What a dumb word." She lifted her heavy head, narrowing her eyes at him. "Don't you think it's a dumb word? _Sleepy_. Augh. There are so many better words, even for the same thing. Like…_slumberous_. Slumberous is a great word. I should put that in more sketches. I should write a whole sketch about things that make people slumberous." She scooted closer to him, one hand whacking him in excitement. "Wouldn't that be _awesome_?"

"If your aim is to put America to sleep," Jack replied, "then yes."

Liz bent down, pulling off her heels and throwing them as far from her as she could in the confined space. "You know what makes me feel all slumberous-like, Jack Attack?"

Jack watched her, bemused. "What's that?"

"Your voice."

"Thankyou," he mused dryly.

"I don't mean that you're boring," she hastened to assure him, eyes wide. "Or…long-winded. Or tiresome. Another great word." She stopped to sound it out slowly: "_Ti-re-some_," before continuing on. "I just mean…I like…what your voice does. It's…"

"Sexy?" he smirked. "I've been told so. Many times."

Liz frowned at him. "I didn't say that. I don't like that word."

"What? _Sexy_?"

"Stop saying it." She leant closer, threatening him with a lax, unintimidating fist. "Or I will make you stop."

Jack chuckled. "Why?"

"Why _what_?"

"Why don't you like _sexy_?"

Liz made a face, dropped her fist. "Because. It sounds…"

"Sexy?" he rasped, waggling his brows at her. "Like my voice?"

She huffed loudly and fell back against the seat again, her head dropping to his shoulder. "Your voice makes me…relax, it comforts me. Like being lulled to sleep by a mean-spirited nursery rhyme."

Jack glanced down at her disheveled hair-do. "Hm. I'm just going to say thank you and let this topic drop, I think."

"Excellent choice, sir," she mumbled, shifting into a more comfortable position at his side. A moment later, she lifted her face towards his, murmuring in a throaty voice, "Hey…Jack."

"Yes, Lemon?"

"Wanna have sex?"

Jack looked down at her again. His lips parted. He took half a breath. "I'm sorry…could you repeat the question?"

Liz gave a little shrug. "I'm horny and I wanna have sex. You in?"

He chuckled awkwardly. "Ah, Lemon-"

She waved a hand outside at the passing city. "If we're quick, we could probably get it done before you drop me off."

"Lemon..."

She hauled herself onto her knees, swaying for a moment before finding her equilibrium. "Especially if we skip all the lame preliminaries."

"Lemon-"

"What? You _want _the lame preliminaries?" One hand grasped his shoulder as she reached under her dress and began to pull down her panties. "O-kay then, buddy," she gave him a pat, "I like your enthusiasm."

"_Lemon._"

She halted, her hair falling in her eyes. "…Yeah?"

"I'm not sure you're in any state to decide whether or not you want to have sex," Jack told her evenly.

She cocked her head at him, slipped her panties off. "Well, I didn't ask you if you think _I'm_ up for sex. I asked if _you _were up for some sex. So…" she paused, blew her hair out of her eyes, "are you?"

"You're drunk," he said simply.

"_You're_ drunk. You're drunker than I am."

"That's different; I'm always drunk."

"I only had like, two teeny, tiny little glasses of wine, man, I'm barely even tipsy!" She waved her hand, her underwear flying to the floor. "Oops..."

"You're also high," he added, attempting to keep his eyes on her face and not the breasts that were level with his eyeline.

"But I'm aware of what I'm doing," Liz told him emphatically, waving a finger in his face. "Asking you to have sex. With me, to be specific. Right here, right now. For as long as we both want. Which may not be that long. But I'm okay with that if you are."

Jack gulped, gazing at her, her face inches from his, her waiting, willing body inches from his.

" …_What_?" Liz demanded, dropping back on her heels. "It's not a hard question, Jack. It's a very simple one. Do you want to have sex or not? And if you don't give me a straight answer soon, I'm just going to go to sleep, because I'm so-"

"Sleepy and horny, I know." He bobbed his head, licked his lips. "You already said."

"More horny, right now. But frankly, I could go either way. Sleep or sex. So if you want it, you can get it here. But it's a limited time only offer, Jackie. For one night only. So, what's it gonna be? You in or out?" She spread her hands at her sides, eyebrows lifted expectantly. "Wanna have some sex with me?"

Jack looked her in the eye, admitting in a low voice, "Yes, Lemon. I want to have sex with you. Very much, in fact."

She rose onto her knees again, immediately reaching for him. "Awesome."

He captured her hands. "But-"

"No! No, buts!" she insisted hotly, straddling him, settling herself into his lap. "We're both up for it so come on. Whip it out and let's do this."

And with that, her mouth descended, sloppy but warm, her hands clamped on either side of his face as she kissed him hungrily. Jack released a loud moan into her mouth, feeling her answering moan vibrate against his lips. Then her hands were inside his jacket, making their way down, down, down, unbuttoning random buttons then abandoning them as they headed for one place. They found him, stroked him, persuading him instantaneously that this was exactly how their evening should end.

He pushed her warm, squirming body away from his though, breaking their kiss to pant, "Are you absolutely sure about this, Lemon? Completely sure you want to?"

"Listen up, buddy, and listen up good." Liz grabbed his ears, her eyes pinning his with fierce conviction. "I have never been surer in my entire life that I wanted to have sex with someone." She took a breath and released it, looking almost like her normal self. "Okay? Can we just do this now?"

Jack nodded, letting his hands rove down her body, letting them really relish doing so. "In that case, Lemon-" he kissed her, hard and deep, his tongue swirling about her mouth. Then he told her, his lips brushing hers, his voice dark and gravelly, "I want to taste you."

"Fuck, yeah," she muttered eagerly, hitching up her dress as she clambered backwards on the leather. "Get down there, my man. Time's a-wastin' and all this talkity-talk is not going to get me off."

Jack grinned as he moved over her, planting a series of kisses up her body until he reached her mouth. "But I will, that I can promise you."

"Oh yeah…" Liz sighed as his palm slid up her thigh without preamble, expertly finding her center. "Talk to me some more, Jack, say more stuff. Tell me stuff like that, tell me everything. It makes me- oh!" her breath hitched and her voice broke off as one finger swiped over her clit, spreading her moisture.

Never one to deny the erotic demands of any lady, even one not quite herself due to a powerful conglomeration of illness, sleeplessness, stress, medication, alcohol and natural aphrodisiac, Jack took control of the seduction. He did exactly what she asked. He began to whisper in her ear all the things he wanted to do to her, all the things that were about to happen between them. As his body half covered hers, he told her how he wanted her, how he'd always wanted her. As his fingers played in her depths, he told her how amazing she felt, how amazing he was going to make her feel. As his mouth descended towards her breasts, he told her he had waited for this, he'd wanted this, that it was such a relief that they were finally getting to it, that everything would be better after they succumbed to this act of instinct and passion.

At which point, Liz's head dropped to one side, her mouth emitting a loud snore.

Jack pulled back, his fingers stalling against her. "…Lemon?"

Liz gave another snuffling, contented snore.

He extracted his fingers. Shook her a bit. "Lemon…Lemon?" But got no response.

Liz snored on, splayed out on the car seat, one hand still clutching at his clothes. Jack withdrew it, watching it let go of him and relax as he laid it across her waist. He tugged her dress back down to her knees then retreated to his corner of the car where he opened a window, letting the cold air and rain assault his reddened face. A particularly loud snore drew his attention back to his comatose companion, who was doing a pretty good impression of a sleepy dwarf, leaving Jack to deal with his disappointed horny dwarf all alone.

_END. _


End file.
